Backed into a corner by this life I chose to live.
Backed into a corner by this life where
I’ve not yet learned how to love…
Myself.
Backed into a corner by the distance between us all…
I’m over here measuring the edges of it all.
How much further must I walk before I fall.
Off the cliff or an embankment the wall…
I’m here…measuring the edges.
I knew it was done when we ended it all
But it’s taken some time to get over the breadth of that haul.
Of the memories & the bitterness
And all that comes with any kind of fall.
I’m over here measuring the edges of it all.
How deep must the blade sink before I can no longer call?
Where the knife can crush this life I’ve known
Where I’ve lost the strength to scrawl.
I’m just over here…measuring the edges.
I want to let go of everything that brought me to that place…
But, it was the only thing I’d known.
It’s a hurting, hurtful space…and in moving on, I’ve grown.
I chose it day by day for years & years.
I wanted to tell you I loved you without having to crawl.
I cannot see through all the tears…
Where is the beginning of my relief
From all of the all-on grief?
Just like Dorothy’s ruby shoes
That relief comes down to you.
It’s in the ones you love
Some not & some blood.
But, the peace it can be yours…so true.
I was…backed into a corner by this life I’ve been given.
Smacked around, jacked around & still I am living.
Seeking solace in a soulless place of my own creation & because I dared.
I will survive it all & I will thrive in all
Just because I care.
22 years ago today as of this posting, I got married…and a little over 4 years ago, it unofficially came to an end. It was a total of 25 years spent with her. Despite our misdeeds – enough on both sides, really – I’d have wished for a better outcome for us both.
The only sliver of recrimination I have in me at this stage is that one of the last things she told me was a bit of self-incrimination: “André…you’re a really bad judge of character…be aware of that next time.”
Yes, she said that.
So, in the wake of all the madness & sadness since, I wrote this…and to be sure, this piece is not all about her or that.
It’s mostly about what’s happened to me since & how I’ve chosen to deal with it.